I'm a fleabit peanut monkey

I've been meaning to write for a while now.. actually, only about a day and a half, but strikes of motivation seem so elusive these days that the anxiousness to pick up a pencil seems endless.

There are a few things I've been meaning to address. We'll start off with the simpler idea I have. I think having an ED and being gay are occurrences akin to one another. Let me put it straight first: EDs are bad. Homosexuality is NOT [inherently]. But they both seem to be things beyond one's own control. Perhaps embedded into the brain, perhaps inevitablities that occur due to inexplicable compulsions or as the result of environment. But no one chooses these things, whether they want them or not. I think therapists around the world could benefit wildly from this piece of information. It's as difficult to assess what drives one to be a homosexual as it is to evaluate the motivation behind an ED. At least, it should be. Profesionals are too quick to judge, deterring attention from the problem at hand to what's behind it. That's the best to do in most cases, but how do you explain ED sufferers who haven't endured any sort of hardships or trauma--who've led perfectly happy, normal lives? It'd be just as absurd to conclude that the reason one is homosexual is some past tragedy. Perhaps it's only a compulsion, or maybe not even that. Maybe it should just be taken at face value. Although, the case was entirely different for me. HAH!

Number two on the agenda: I think when we, or at least I, advise a boy to "be a man," what we're really saying is "be a woman." Take this situation: a boy is argued with, and he leaves in a flurry. No, not a flurry--a.. puff of smoke or something. I'd advise him to "man up" and handle the situation head-on rather than cower in a corner. Yet is it not the nature of a man to act just as he is acting--with barbaric, caveman-like anger and dramatic, unnecessary ridiculousness? A woman, on the other hand, would be rational and want to work things out (all based on majority of course. It ranges from sheepish to psychotic, after all). So I've had it all wrong. Women aren't equal to men in evolution at all; we're a millennia forward at least!

I'm beginning to think I'm slightly egocentric. wow. I noticed this yesterday [Thursday, actually] as a woman was introducing herself to me, offering a hand to shake; all I could put focus on was how I would introduce myself. As soon as I claimed I was "pleased" to meet her, I realized I could not, for the life of me, remember her name. She'd said it, to be sure.. ugh. Talk about lack of social common sense, huh?

Thus the fourth and final item: the debate. THAT big-lipped mop-topped boy in the picture was Jimbo. MY Jimbo. The one who had me ditch in his jr. English class two Februaries ago to watch that blues presentation. The Jimbo at random times throughout our relationship.. the one I loved. The thing that's killing me is the guilt I'm not sure I'm supposed to have. Is it okay to enjoy myself as I reminisce of these memories, or should I just write them off as meaningless because of the outstanding truth? Gaby's right: I'm NOT wrong. The thing is, who I talked to last night is not my Jimbo. It's someone else. Right now, Jimbo's gone and that's the reality. REALITY. The REALITY is, love is a manmade sensation.